what do you say at a shiva

Things People Say at a Shiva

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What to bring or send to a Shiva?

What to Bring or Send to a Shiva

• Food and Condolence Baskets. Providing a mourner with food is a nice way to show your support.
• Plant a Tree in Israel. Planting a tree in Israel in memory of a loved one is a time-honored tradition that is symbolic and heartfelt.
• Make a Donation. ...
• Flowers and the Jewish Mourning Tradition. ...

What do you wear to a Shiva?

shiva attire, you should conduct yourself properly according to protocol when you attend a shiva. Wearing long pants is a good idea for men, and conservative dress for women. A haredi family is planning to host a shiva that will have women wearing long skirts (below the knees) and shirts with long sleeves.

What are the rules of Shiva?

The Rules of Shiva

• Sitting on Regular Chairs. A mourner should not sit on a regular chair, stool, recliner, or couch during the Shiva. ...
• Greeting People. ...
• Working or Conducting Business. ...
• Self-Care, Grooming. ...
• Anointing with Oils. ...
• Haircutting and Shaving. ...
• Clothing and Dress. ...
• Intimate Relations. ...
• Reading and Entertainment. ...
• Leaving the Shiva Home. ...

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What to say when comforting mourners?

• “I am so sorry for your loss”
• “My heart is with you”
• “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care”

What do you say to someone on shiva?

WHAT TO SAY“I am very sorry for your loss.” (Simple is sometimes the best)“May his memory be a blessing.”“We loved her and she will be missed.”“I am here for you if you need someone to listen.”“He was very important to me.”“I learned so much from her.”“Our whole community has suffered a loss.”

How long do I stay at a shiva?

seven dayShiva is the mourning period, traditionally observed by the parent, spouse, sibling or child of the deceased. During Shiva ("sitting Shiva"), which is traditionally a seven day period that begins immediately after the funeral, the family stays home to focus on their grief, remember their loved one and receive visitors.

What do you say at the end of shiva?

The return of food should be done after the Shiva period is completed. If you do not know the time-honored declaration which is traditionally recited as you are about to leave, then simply say: “May G-d soon comfort you upon your loss together with all other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

What do you do at shiva?

What Is Shiva? Often held at the family's home, shiva is traditionally a 7-day period of visiting and prayer at which the family receives guests and prays together. During shiva, the family gathers every day in a family home to mourn and pray.

Do you wear black to a shiva?

You don't have to wear black to a shiva house, but your attire should always be respectful. Keep your visit short—It's not how long you stay, but that you pay the visit.

Do you bring food to a shiva?

Many people bring food to families sitting shiva. This is a needed and popular tradition.

How long do you sit shiva for a parent?

Children, siblings, parents, and spouses of the deceased have a religious obligation to observe Shiva or to sit Shiva. The Shiva begins immediately after the burial and lasts for seven days. A pitcher of water, a basin, and towel are placed outside the front door for use upon returning from the cemetery.

Do you wear shoes during shiva?

We refrain from wearing leather shoes, except on Shabbat, as they are considered a luxury and a sign of satisfaction with our status and quality of life, a feeling that is antithetical to mourning. Abstaining from sexual relations is also required as we refrain from all pleasurable activities during this period.

Can you drink alcohol during shiva?

This modern shiva is often observed for three days and strives for a lighter mood that celebrates the life of the deceased. Food is brought to be enjoyed by all, alcohol may be served, and conversations and remembrances can spur both laughter and tears.

Can you bring flowers to a shiva?

For example, in many traditions, it is customary to send flowers to a funeral home or directly to immediate family members of the deceased. In the Jewish tradition, though, that is generally discouraged—it's extremely rare that flowers would be sent to either the funeral home or the shiva home.

Why do you sit on low chairs during shiva?

Among the many traditions that are an essential part of Shiva is the arrangement of the seating. The seating for family members is customarily either low stools/chairs or boxes, so that the immediate mourners are actually seated below the visiting mourners.

What do you say to a mourner?

WHAT TO SAY TO A MOURNER“I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.”“I'm so sorry about your (mother; brother; etc. or name the deceased)”“I don't know what to say. ... “I hurt for you ”“(Name the deceased) loved you so much.”“I hope you can hold on to the good memories.””Do you feel like talking?”

How long do you sit Shiva for a spouse?

seven daysHow long do you sit shiva? Traditionally, shiva lasts for seven days. It starts at the time of burial and lasts for the following week until the family moves into the seloshim or shloshim stage of mourning (which goes for 30 days).

What time do people sit Shiva?

Shiva Prayers Shacharit is said in the morning, Mincha in the late afternoon and Maariv in the evening. A Minyan (10 people required for certain prayers) is needed in order to conduct the prayer services and it is customary for people to call upon the family at these times.

Is alcohol served at shiva?

Food for the Shiva Once that first meal of condolence concludes, there are no food restrictions for mourners. Some may refrain from anything associated with happiness and festivity, like wine. However, this is not prohibited.

Can you eat meat during shiva?

Furthermore, mourners at this stage may not eat meat or drink wine. If the period between death and burial extends over the Shabbat, then these customs are not adopted (except for refraining from marital relations), though they begin again following the Shabbat. Shiva commences immediately after burial.

Where do you find a guestbook for a Shiva home?from shiva.com

When entering the shiva home, in the foyer or entrance way of the house it is common to find a guestbook for visitors to sign their name. This practice helps the mourning family to remember visitors and also serves as a point of reference in the event the home is crowded and visitors do not engage directly with all members of the mourning family.

Is it appropriate to say goodbye to a Shiva family?from shiva.com

The relationship to mourners and environment at the shiva home may influence and/or limit access to the mourning family. Your attendance is the most meaningful gesture and therefore, it is certainly appropriate to say goodbye, but is not a requirement. When saying goodbye visitors generally restated a few words of condolence. At this time, depending on level of observance and familiarity, you may offer a blessing together with condolences. A common phrase/blessing for mourners and bereaved family members is: “May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

When does one sit shiva and for whom?

Shiva begins immediately after the funeral. Traditionally, a mourner sits shiva for a parent, sibling, child or spouse.

How does one pay a shiva visit?

Ideally you should find out beforehand during which hours the mourners want visitors, and, when you arrive, not say anything to the mourner (s) until he or she begins the conversation. Be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.

What is the origin of shiva and other Jewish mourning practices?

Jewish mourning practices are discussed in the Talmud and clarified further in the Mishneh Torah , a compendium of Jewish law compiled by Maimonides in the 12th century, and the Yoreh De’ah section of the Shulchan Aruch, written by Joseph Caro in the 16th century.

What happens after shiva?

Sheloshim is less restrictive than shiva, however — mourners can go out, work and perform other everyday activities. Learn more about sheloshim .

What are some customs of the Sephardic community?

In addition, there are some shiva customs unique to the Sephardic community. For example, according to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, Iranian Jews customarily hold a special study session in synagogue during the shiva week, which mourners are allowed to attend “and are often joined by hundreds of friends and relatives.”

How many prayers are there at the Shiva house?

Traditionally, three prayer services are conducted each day at the shiva house, with guests forming what is called a shiva. Pronounced: MIN-yun, meen-YAHN, Origin: Hebrew, quorum of 10 adult Jews (traditionally Jewish men) necessary for reciting many prayers. (the prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews).

Why do people leave the doors unlocked at Shiva House?

In addition, it is customary to leave the doors unlocked so that visitors can come and go without disturbing the mourners. Many families also set out a condolence book where visitors can sign in and leave messages. Find more details about shiva house customs and what they signify.

What does the Magen Avraham mean?from yeshiva.co

The Magen Avraham (215:3; also, Mishna Berura 215:9) refers to a midrash that if one hears someone blessing a fellow Jew, he is required to answer amen, even if Hashem’s Name is not invoked. This, as opposed to the first element, is a mitzva between man and fellow man – to add one’s voice in requesting Him to do good for someone. Several Acharonim assume that this is a proper thing rather than an absolute obligation (see Yechaveh Da’at III:9 citing the Netziv; Aruch Hashulchan, OC 215:1).

Can you send questions to a rabbis?from yeshiva.co

It is not possible to send questions to the rabbi through the response system. For a follow-up question click here

Is Hamakom a good wish?from yeshiva.co

On the other hand, it is possible that Hamakom is not a good wish but a philosophical message to the mourner, along the following lines. It is hard to come to terms with the loss of a close relative, but just as the Jewish People has learned to deal with the destruction of the Temple and believe in its rebuilding, so too the mourner should accept the Divine decree, believe that it was for the best, and look forward to the deceased’s return with techiyat hameitim. Most authorities, though, seem to understand Hamakom as a prayer/blessing. This is certainly the case for the Sephardic saying of "you shall be comforted from the Heaven" and for the increasingly popular addition of "and you shall not continue to have pain anymore."

What is a Shiva call?from shiva.com

Making a shiva call, is also referred to as paying a condolence call. This act of support entails visiting the shiva home during hours that are generally announced by the family during the funeral service and/or through an obituary. The act of visiting a shiva home is unique and unknown to many outside of the Jewish faith.

What to expect at a Shiva home?from shiva.com

What to Expect at the Shiva Home. Traditionally, a shiva home is a solemn place. Friends and family gather in a central location to comfort mourners throughout the shiva period. It is important to check the local paper or the funeral home to see what time of day the mourners are receiving condolence calls.

How long should a shiva call last?from shiva.com

A shiva call should not last more than an hour. If the visit coincides with a prayer service, it is appropriate to arrive a few minutes before the service and stay a few minutes after. The shiva process is often lengthy and tiring for the mourners; visitors should be mindful not to overstay their welcome.

What is the Jewish mourning period called?from shiva.com

Upon the passing of a loved one or individual of the Jewish faith a mourning family will generally observe shiva, the first structured period of mourning. During the duration of the shiva it is common and appropriate for individuals to show respect and support to the mourning family by making what is referred to as a "shiva call.".

Where do you find a guestbook for a Shiva home?from shiva.com

When entering the shiva home, in the foyer or entrance way of the house it is common to find a guestbook for visitors to sign their name. This practice helps the mourning family to remember visitors and also serves as a point of reference in the event the home is crowded and visitors do not engage directly with all members of the mourning family.

Is it appropriate to say goodbye to a Shiva family?from shiva.com

The relationship to mourners and environment at the shiva home may influence and/or limit access to the mourning family. Your attendance is the most meaningful gesture and therefore, it is certainly appropriate to say goodbye, but is not a requirement. When saying goodbye visitors generally restated a few words of condolence. At this time, depending on level of observance and familiarity, you may offer a blessing together with condolences. A common phrase/blessing for mourners and bereaved family members is: “May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Is a Mitzvah a good deed?from shiva.com

This is referred to as a Mitzvah, which is a good deed. Below please find guidance when attending a shiva and making a shiva call, including information detailing suggested appropriate behavior. Each shiva is different, depending on the traditions and beliefs of the mourning family and the nature of the loss.

What is a Shiva call?

Making a shiva call, is also referred to as paying a condolence call. This act of support entails visiting the shiva home during hours that are generally announced by the family during the funeral service and/or through an obituary. The act of visiting a shiva home is unique and unknown to many outside of the Jewish faith.

Why do people make a shiva call?

Making a shiva call helps bring comfort to the mourners and to fulfill their religious obligations during mourning. Therefore, although we see at times a festive atmosphere, a shiva home is often subdued. In nontraditional homes, dress is usually casual, but any attire should be appropriate for attending a religious ritual.

What to expect at a Shiva home?

What to Expect at the Shiva Home. Traditionally, a shiva home is a solemn place. Friends and family gather in a central location to comfort mourners throughout the shiva period. It is important to check the local paper or the funeral home to see what time of day the mourners are receiving condolence calls.

How long should a shiva call last?

A shiva call should not last more than an hour. If the visit coincides with a prayer service, it is appropriate to arrive a few minutes before the service and stay a few minutes after. The shiva process is often lengthy and tiring for the mourners; visitors should be mindful not to overstay their welcome.

What is the Jewish mourning period called?

Upon the passing of a loved one or individual of the Jewish faith a mourning family will generally observe shiva, the first structured period of mourning. During the duration of the shiva it is common and appropriate for individuals to show respect and support to the mourning family by making what is referred to as a "shiva call.".

What is mourning in Jewish faith?

Mourning in the Jewish faith is a very personal process; each individual mourns and reflects differently. In many instances, extended family, close friends, casual acquaintances, co-workers and general members of the community will pay their condolences and show support to the mourners.

Is a Mitzvah a good deed?

This is referred to as a Mitzvah, which is a good deed. Below please find guidance when attending a shiva and making a shiva call, including information detailing suggested appropriate behavior. Each shiva is different, depending on the traditions and beliefs of the mourning family and the nature of the loss.

What Is Shiva?

Often held at the family’s home, shiva is traditionally a 7-day period of visiting and prayer at which the family receives guests and prays together. During shiva, the family gathers every day in a family home to mourn and pray. During this first week, family members usually don't go to work or participate in the routine of their normal lives. Guests are usually welcome to come to the home during this first week, and spend time with and pray with the family.

What do women wear at a Jewish shiva?

If the shiva is being held in the home of an orthodox Jewish family, women will be expected to wear long skirts (below the knees) and long-sleeved shirts. If you will be participating in the prayers at the shiva, you should wear a kippah or yarmulke, the traditional Jewish skullcap.

Why is the front door of the Shiva house unlocked?

The front door will usually be left unlocked so that guests may enter and exit quietly on their own. When you arrive at the shiva house, you should enter on your own.

How long is a shiva?

Often held at the family’s home, shiva is traditionally a 7-day period of visiting and prayer at which the family receives guests and prays together. During shiva, the family gathers every day in a family home to mourn and pray. During this first week, family members usually don't go to work or participate in the routine of their normal lives.

Can you wear kippahs at a prayer service?

The family may provide kippahs for guests to wear. If none are available and you do not have your own, you may still be able to participate in the prayer service. There may be a rabbi present leading the service, and you should feel free to ask the rabbi any questions you have about participating.

Why do we do a Shiva call?

It’s customary to make a shiva call before visiting a family during shiva. This call is to remind mourners that they're not alone. You are encouraged to listen and be compassionate support during the call. Mourners are welcome to express sadness and heartache.

What is Sitting Shiva?

Important Things to Remember at Shiva. You may be most familiar with — or you might have at least heard of — shiva. This is the mourning period that begins on the day of the burial and is also known as “sitting shiva.”.

What Happens After Shiva?

When visitors leave the Shiva house, they recite a Hebrew prayer: “Hamakom yenakhem etekhem betokh shaar avelay tziyon viyrushalayim,” which means, "May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

How long does Shiva last?

In this day and age, however, shiva lasts at least three days. This type of structured mourning provides the family with time and space to mourn the loss of the deceased.

Why is Jewish culture unique?

Jewish culture is unique because it embraces community grief. This includes the tears, anger, sadness, and shock that may arise during the period of immediate loss of a loved one.

What are the stages of mourning in Jewish tradition?

There are five stages of mourning that begin at the time of death in traditional Judaism: aninut, shiva, sheloshim, yud-bet chodesh, and yahrzeit.

How long was Shiva mourned?

The Torah mentioned the first Shiva was held when Methuselah, the oldest man in the world, died and that he was mourned for seven days.